Notre Dame football – Pigskin Grind

It was going to happen. Eventually.

Doesn’t everyone end up in Florida to retire? To ease the pedal from the metal? Chill out? Have F-U-N?

After living almost my entire life in Southern California, I moved to Northeast Florida in December. My new nest is in Ponte Vedra— a small beach town located a stone’s throw north of St. Augustine on Florida’s First Coast.

I now realize that this is college football country.

Actually, I have always known that. But moving here validated my suspicions. Okay, not suspicions. I knew this was college football country but hated to admit it.

Happy now?

College football is King in Florida.

And I’m here for it all. Finally.

An observation: more Floridian automobiles than not have either Central Florida, Florida, Florida State, South Florida or Miami license plate frames. Sprinkle in Ohio State, Georgia, South Carolina and (of course) Alabama license plate frames and you have about 60 percent of all cars in this state pledging their allegiances to an institute of higher learning. Or a football factory.

Semantics, I know. [shrugs]

This state loves discussing college football. And not just in the fall.

Floridians are already talking about who has the toughest schedules, the easiest schedules, which coaches are on the hot seat, who will suck this year, who will get screwed this year, should Clemson and Florida State leave the ACC and will Texas and Oklahoma have a rude awakening in the SEC?

Answers: USC and UCLA aka Death Star fodder, UNC and Missouri (want some milk with those cupcakes?), Billy Napier aka Florida Man, Alabama and UCLA (does this really need explaining?), Notre Dame (it is always the correct answer every year, isn’t it Irish fans?), yes… and hell yes.

Yes, I reassure my Floridian brethren, Florida State got screwed.

Nope, the Selection Committee should never choose playoff teams based on assumptions or hypotheticals. Yes, a team’s resume should be the sole basis for playoff consideration. No, subjective analysis should never outweigh objective analysis. No, I do not have a handkerchief on which you can cry.

Yes, I will make sure to tell everyone I know that Florida State got screwed.

Also, no, USC is not University of South Carolina.

I am taking about football again. And I am smiling.

The Georgia v Florida game in Jacksonville is enticing. The game is less than an hour from my home, I can prep my liver in October and (a bonus!) the humidity will be significantly less in November.

Won’t it?

A word about weather here in Florida. Okay, maybe more than a word.

A monologue.

Yes, it is warm. We have not hit the hot months yet (!!!!) so I am… well, acclimating to the “warmth.” Or maybe I am in a permanent state of heat stroke.

What I am trying to say is that it is so hot here you can set your AC at 76 and when you walk into your home… it actually feels like an icebox. Yesterday I turned my AC off because 77 degrees was—wait for it— too cold.

When I park my car in a parking lot, I no longer look for the space closest to the front door. Did I mention I had major knee surgery last August? Oh well to the hell.

I look for a parking space under a tree. A big, shady tree. I prefer bird poo on my roof rather than scorching hot, black leather seats, a flaming steering wheel and fogged up sunglasses. Pro tip: leaving your car on, with the AC running, is acceptable at Publix.

I have learned even more things.

There is a recipe on how to cook lasagna in your mailbox. I will let you know how my broiled lasagna turns out in mid-August. Right now, baking cookies in your car is the trendy thing to do.

hat tip courtesy: Alan Wayne Debban via facebook

The Florida Man Games are real and they are spectacular.

It rains every day at exactly 3:00 in the afternoon. Florida’s cooling thunderstorms run on a schedule that rivals a Swiss clock. Or a German train. It’s almost comforting.

Almost.

I always have a towel in my car. I use it to A- sit on if I cannot find a big, shady tree, dammit, B-dry my car off after going to the car wash every day ($39.99 a month for unlimited car washes at Gate!) to get the love bugs off my grill (more on that later) or C-as a rain hat at 3 pm.

Drivers in Florida think the I-95 sign is the posted speed limit. Using your turn signal is a sign of weakness. Do not drive in the left lane unless you hate the way your car’s rear end looks/want a new car. All Floridian drivers are practicing to be poor NASCAR drivers.

Florida understands its bad drivers. That’s why on every highway at 1,000 feet intervals, there is a lane for U-turns so one can A- reverse your lousy sense of direction, B- make your GPS go HAM, or C- gas up/eat lunch/go Christmas shopping at Buc-ees.

Parking on the interstate’s grassy median to chat on your phone, taking pictures of a meandering gator, running from a meandering gator or having a fried chicken picnic is perfectly normal here.

You have to put vinegar in your AC unit once a month to keep mold out. You also have to keep the detergent tray and front loading door on your washing machine open so mold does not colonize.

My feet have a farmer’s tan from flip flops. Also, fancy flip flops under a sequined evening gown are acceptable attire in Florida.

Fresh grouper, smoked fish dip and pimento cheese spread are on the menu in every restaurant and they are awesome.

The more north you drive in Florida, the more Southern it gets.

When someone leaves your home, you do not say, “have a great day.” You say, “Quick! Close the door so you don’t let the bugs in.”

So far, I have had no problems with bugs in my house.

So far.

Bugs on my car are a different thing.

photo courtesy of Herald-Tribune

Bugs have their own seasons in Florida. Because bugs own Florida. They are not too prevalent where I am but they are downright a nuisance in South Florida.

Florida has four distinct seasons: Nice, Love Bugs, Hurricanes and No-see-ums.

Nice: November to March (this season can also be referred to as Snow Bird season)

Love Bugs: April to May (with an encore in September)

No-see-ums: June to early-August

Hurricanes: late-August to October

Love Bugs stick to the front of a car’s grill and bumper. They must be removed within a day or two or the acid from their tiny corpses will melt the paint off a car. Update: the front of my black Benz looks like a Dalmatian.

No-see-ums are a bug that nobody can see. I have swatted at the air for no apparent reason and nobody questions why. They get it. No-see-ums are annoying, sure. But you usually do not feel their presence until after they have dined on your sweaty bicep.

Welcome to Florida.

Land of strange animals. Like Florida man and alligators.

Actually, I am more scared of Florida man than alligators. Truth be told, I have become fond of swamp puppies. They are cute. They are survivors.

Gators do not bother us unless we go into their domain (water) while they are hungry. Gators are, in general, scared of people. Especially on land. I have witnessed their cowardice with my own eyes.

Last spring a gator was roaming on my street, looking for love in all the wrong places. It was mating season, after all. He strolled up to a lady’s house and when she opened her door, well, can you say, “land shark”?

She called a trapper and chaos ensued.

The poor thing (the gator, not the lady) was running around our street, scared to death, his wanna-be big tail whipping back and forth as he scrambled toward a retention pond, heading for safety. Or maybe it was a flirty, love-sick female gator.

I was really rooting for him.

The trapper caught him and “relocated” him. All five feet, one inches of him. Pink mouth and all. He was absolutely adorable.

Do I like Florida?

No.

I love Florida.

After enduring so much heartbreak in the last three years, I have finally found joy again. I wake up every day smiling. Sure, I still cry every day. I miss my husband. David’s death altered my life’s projection.

Before he died, he gave me a new laptop and a fancy broadcasting microphone.

He was trying to tell me something. He was nudging me toward what he knew always gave me joy.

Florida has given me my life back. I have forged some incredible friendships. I have built a new home. I am exploring new places and still thirsting for knowledge.

Florida has awakened my love for college football again.

I am alligator. Hear me bellow. Watch me survive.

I am back, baby.

The deal is done. The ink is dry. The Pac-12 has officially acknowledged that the Trojans and Bruins are going to the Big Ten in 2024. It’s like being a parent and watching your 18-year old child leave on a date with someone you clearly think is not in your child’s best interest.

“They can do better,” you try to convince yourself. But they really can’t.

USC and UCLA are leaving their Lincoln Navigator for a Bentley Continental GT. Leaving a $20 million dollar annual payout for a $100 million payout. Leaving half-empty stadiums for stadiums filled with 114,000 screaming fans. Instead of only being able to afford penny stocks, AMZN is now in their portfolios.

Forty-eight hours after the big news broke, the Pac-12 Networks was airing the 2004 Rose Bowl game between USC and Michigan. USC v Penn State followed. The chyron (news ticker) below the game displaying the conference’s statement on the two teams’ departure announcement was the elephant in the room.

In all likelihood, the conference’s flagship network failed to be proactive in television programming.

Failed to be proactive.

It’s an indictment of everything that is wrong in the Pac-12. The conference did not read the room while the SEC and Big Ten were expanding. It failed to protect its future and failed to implement its contingencies.

The conference was rife with poor officiating for a decade. #Pac12refs became a national punchline and Twitter trending hashtag. The Pac-12 made some overtures to fix the problem but no substantial changes could be seen on the field.

The Pac-12 conference is probably now in full-blown panic mode. Undoubtedly phone calls are being made, hands are being wrung, pearl necklaces are being clutched and safe spaces are being constructed in the halls of the Pac-12 offices.

Meanwhile, other Pac-12 members are probably freaking out.

While Oregon and Washington are the next best Pac-12 teams to be considered in a possible departure to another conference, no announcements have been made. While that may not be significant now—once Notre Dame decides its permanent place in college football the dominoes will fall—it will be decidedly concerning after the 2022 season ends.

I believe Stanford and Cal are a better “fit” in the Big Ten. They are traditional schools with high emphasis on education. The Bay Area’s TV market is consistently ranked in the Top 10. They have been consistent in their athletic programs’ branding and except for Stanford’s name change of Indians to Cardinal in 1981, they have very traditional athletic programs.

The Midwest fan is generally not impressed with shiny, new things and unfortunately for the Oregon Ducks, the national perception of Oregon football is just that. This isn’t a criticism. But read the room, Oregon.

The Ohio State University Buckeyes play football in “three yards and a cloud of dust.” They are damn proud of that. Oregon football, on the other hand, is known for innovative twists on run-read football, trick plays, neon-highlighter uniforms and a fan base that while can be quite vociferous, is also fickle.

The flashy electricity of its marketing department has attracted elite recruits. That’s a huge bonus. Oregon also excels in other sports such as Track and Field, Baseball and Basketball. Again, a definite plus.

But would Oregon and Washington’s membership be each worth $100 million a year to the Big Ten?

Seattle’s TV market is ranked No. 14 nationally. Portland’s is ranked No. 81. Moreover, the optics of those two cities may not appeal to the Midwest football fan. Videos of recent riots, surges in crime rates, increasing homelessness and open opioid drug use in the streets have been blasted across news channels for two years. While other cities are experiencing those exact same issues (Los Angeles, I’m looking at you), USC and UCLA will have no problem validating their $100 million payouts from the conference.

If Notre Dame decides to move to the Big Ten and the two Pacific Northwest teams are left without an invite, the Pac-12 would feel a little safer. But only for a New York minute. Unless the Pac-12 invites more schools to its conference, the fallout will be catastrophic. The Pacific Northwest teams cannot carry the conference.

A better option would be for the Pac-12 to join the Big 12 and form a super conference, perhaps even adding in the Mountain West. That could alleviate schools’ stability concerns and keep everyone at home.

For awhile.

A chain reaction is inevitable. The Big Ten and SEC will poach more teams—strike that, the best teams— and the demise of the ACC will probably occur sometime after its conference’s grant of rights expire in 2035-36.

Make no mistake, the Pac-12 is on life support right now. The Big 12 is heavily sedated despite adding four new schools to the mix next year. The ACC is in a bind.

Notre Dame’s contract with the ACC created an additional $80 million in revenue for the conference in 2020-21. The ACC will fight like hell to keep Notre Dame tied to its contract but the Fighting Irish can leverage their position to the breaking point, then skip on over to the Big Ten once it irons out its AAU accreditation.

Notre Dame, despite being roundly criticized and mocked for maintaining its independent status in college football, is now an orchestra conductor. It raises its baton and on cue, everyone looks up and waits for their direction.

Notre Dame can write its own ticket to the dance. Everyone wants to date her. Everyone wants to keep her in their arms and promenade her around the dance floor. It’s good to be the Belle of the Ball.

The SEC wanted Oklahoma and Texas. The Big Ten wanted USC and UCLA. Which team is really the team that everyone wants now?

Clemson? Florida State? Miami? Oregon? Washington? Utah? Kansas?

It’s Notre Dame.

And we all are just witnesses, waiting to see who will get on their knees and propose to her.

Tag: Notre Dame football

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